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Review of Clash of the Titans

Voice in the Dark (theater)

LaRae Meadows

April 29, 2010

When the fragile egos of the Olympians are damaged by human indifference and defiance, the Olympians plan their revenge. Clash of the Titans is an inconsistent, shallow, no-brained, excitement void “movie,” and everyone involved should be blacklisted from making anything entertainment-related for the next ten years.

Please note:  it is not my fault that the forthcoming plot summary makes no sense. Writers Travis Beacham, Phil Hay, and Matt Manfredi and director Louis Leterrier made the oh- so appreciated decision to sacrifice plot continuity and Greek Mythology complexities so they could have more time to show us their dreadfully boring “action” scenes.

Perseus (Sam Worthington) is thrown into the ocean as a baby, where he is found by his adopted father, a fisherman. Years later Perseus and his family are sailing by the Greek city of Argos when the residents rebel against the gods. Hades (Ralph Fiennes) kills them because they are there. Then Perseus is told he’s a demigod, which he doesn’t believe until a pretty girl tells him it is true. Hades demands Argos princess Andromeda (Alexa Davalos) be offered up as a sacrifice. Perseus goes off on a mission to save Andromeda and rebel against the gods. Zeus (Liam Neeson) helps.

So now you see my frustration. There doesn’t seem to be any plot to speak of, just loosely strung together reasons to have a fight. Even a monkey-brained-scum-sucking-knuckle-dragger who likes to watch big scorpions fight would be put off by the humongous plot holes. The entire story left me asking why. Why does he go to the witches, why does he believe the pretty girl, why does he give a crap about Argos when their behavior killed his family, why are the people he is traveling with so stupid, why, why, why, why? After the scenes in Argos, I was actively rooting for anyone to please, please, kill Perseus. I am not ashamed to say it; I am still rooting for his death. DIE PERSUS, DIE!

Don’t think you’ve gone unnoticed, Sam Worthington. Oh, I noticed you. How could I not? Half of the movie is a crotch shot up your skirt; the other half is watching you act out of your ass. I’ve never felt so punished while watching such a beautiful person on film. Usually, that is enough to at least make me non-homicidal. Turns out, Sam, you’re not that pretty. You actually have to act, not just prance around, skirt up. Sorry. Next time, don’t just phone it in.

Oh, and Louis Leterrier, what the hell were you thinking making me look up his skirt with no payoff? If he is going to threaten to show me his dangly bits for half of the movie, there better be a payoff at some point. Otherwise, it’s as exciting as dressing Ken up in Barbie’s toga and balancing the toy on my nose.

That isn’t all you have to account for either. Did you think we wouldn’t notice the fact that you edited this movie so only people who watched it in 3D had any hope of enjoying it? I don’t need to see a boat turn around for two minutes. I don’t need to see the stinger of a scorpion thirty times. Seeing the Kraken come out of the water for a full minute and a half? Really? The crappy animation and effects could not sustain such extended shots.

I could wag my finger at you and your “writing” team for making Zeus into Yahweh. Generally, I think a movie should stand on its own; but since you didn’t bother to try, I feel justified in mentioning that you should probably read the Perseus story before you make it into a movie. Get to know the Zeus character in his other story appearances. He’s a real son of a bitch. Making him a cuddly, sweet ruler makes me want to throw Greek mythology books at your head. You’d learn more from osmosis while the book is in contact with your scalp.

Unless it is a personal goal to start the next Mystery Science Theater 3,000-like series, avoid Clash of the Titans. It is a cinematic plague.

LaRae Meadows

LaRae Meadows is bent on investigating important topics, contorting herself to discover new views, and sharing her discoveries. Her dangerous lack of self-preservation makes writing on controversial topics fun for her. She has a background in legislative and policy advocacy for foster children in California and owns a small business.