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Jonah Hex

Voice in the Dark (theater)

LaRae Meadows

June 29, 2010

Since the writers of Jonah Hex didn’t find it necessary to give me a reason to care about Jonah or the story, I won’t be bothered to do so, either.

Not even death can stop Jonah Hex from getting revenge. Since the writers of Jonah Hex didn’t find it necessary to give me a reason to care about Jonah or the story, I won’t be bothered to do so, either. In tribute to Jonah Hex, I have decided to write this review with the same care and consideration as the plot in this flick.

Jonah Hex (Josh Brolin) was a soldier in the Civil War. He did something bad. General Quentin Turnbull (John Malkovich) decides to take revenge and does something more badder. Then Jonah decided he needed revenge for the guy who got revenge on him. In between, the more badder guy died, but not really. Oh yeah, and there is a super-duper weapon of scariness that scares the President, so he calls on Johah to save all of America. Like and, there is a girl, and her name is Lilah (Megan Fox) who is a lovable whore.

The first worstest thing about Jonah Hex is the horrifically terrible makeup. Hex’s face is burned by one of those thingies you use to brand cows by the super meanie guy. Then he does it to himself. I think maybe the makeup artists had their hands branded right before they applied the latex to Brolin’s face.

Or maybe it is just that Brolin plays Hex as the most deflated superhero ever. I think he was ‘posed to be an uber bad-ass, but he comes across as just an ass. There is no pain, no emotion, no domineering badassery in scenes demanding one’s full bad ass reserves. He just walks around, talking like he is 420 friendly, and shooting people with whatever he has sewn into the inside of his duster. Ben Stein reading the phone book would have come across with more convincing emotion.

I guess that the writers (of which there are about ninety-seven) and the director (of whose existence I am not convinced) Jimmy Hayward, thought that implying, narration, and post hoc references were enough to persuade us of the makeup of a character. Maybe they think we should come pre-prepared, having read the comics. They were wrong.

Jimmy Hayward thought it would be fantabulistic to make it look like someone smeared some semi-translucent fluid over the lens every time Megan Fox was on screen. Even worse, they tried to make her, and only her, look like she was in the comic by adjusting the contrast. Whenever she is on screen, it is like you are watching another movie. Yeah Jim-Bo, I noticed, and I am not pleased.

The only character that got semi-decent writing was the dog that shows up mid-script, sticks around for no reason, and does nothing. He sure is cute, all scruffy, dirty, with his little waggy tail, and is super slobbery tongue. Oh, I hope they give him his very own spin-off. I’d watch that.

The super weapon, it’s really scary because there are glowey balls and unglowey balls. See, the glowey balls make a super boom but the other ones are just humongous and land on carts in the middle of the street.

Then there is this character, his name is Smith (Lance Reddick). He’s a super successful black guy, right after the civil war. Isn’t that wonderful. Don’t get attached though, he’s pretty much a disposable character. Sure, they take the time to introduce him to us, give him some individuality and then he pretty much disappears. He might as well be “random black guy” or “disposable character #2.” He’s like, totally useless.

I’m sorry to do that to you guys but trust me, I’m saving you. Do not see Jonah Hex. Do not do it! It isn’t worth it, seriously. Once brain cells die, you can’t get them back.

LaRae Meadows

LaRae Meadows is bent on investigating important topics, contorting herself to discover new views, and sharing her discoveries. Her dangerous lack of self-preservation makes writing on controversial topics fun for her. She has a background in legislative and policy advocacy for foster children in California and owns a small business.