Maybe They’re Onto Us After All
Ran into my good friend Dr. Perry Noyeyuh the other day and he greeted me with the statement “I’m onto you people and I know what you've been up to. You and your cronies will not get away with it.”
“Perry,” I replied, “What on earth are you talking about?”
“Well, you’re only fooling yourselves if you really think you've fooled the nation. I've been onto you people from the beginning!”
“What people are you talking about? Who have we been supposed to fool?” I queried.
“I’m talking about that organization of yours,” Perry answered, “That Psy-Cop bunch.”
“You mean CSI-COP, not PSY-COP,” I corrected.
“Well, whatever you call it. It really doesn't matter. I know exactly what you've been doing!”
“You do?” I smiled, “Well what is it that we've been doing?” I queried. “You can’t fool me,” Perry sputtered into my face. “I know that you’re working for the government and that you’re a tool of the CIA.”
“Oh, really?” I replied, my face showing my amazement.
“Yessiree. And I even know the year that the boys in Virginia created you. It was in August 1947, right after the Kenneth Arnold affair in which he reported those silvery objects in the air. They created you as a disinformation agency!”
All I could say to this was, “Oh, really, tell me more.” And he did.
“I figured it all out. And things really picked up after people started to contact and then started getting abducted. To keep the public off balance they had to create an entirely independent organization that would debunk everything the public was learning on its own. That’s when they created your group. And I know what your name really stands for too. It really means Committee for the Subversive Insemination of Counter- Offensive Propaganda. Our boys in Virginia are no dummies. They know that the best way to keep a secret of this magnitude, to really convince the public, is to pretend there is no secret and buy off the smartest and best people in the country-stooges, in a word-who will work on the public and persuade them that anybody who screams ‘Cover-Up’ is stark raving nuts!”
“Perry,” I remonstrated, “I have never heard anything more ridiculous in my life. I know these people and their-” He wouldn’t let me finish, but answered: "I know how they work! They get a bunch of scientists and scholars like Asimov, Sagan, Paul Kurtz, and Nobel laureates and have them debunk the truth and the real secret. The more educated, influential, and intelligent members of the general public will buy this in a minute and laugh their heads off at all the little ignoramuses who believe in the TRUTH that is alleged to be nonsense. You did manage to fool some people, but not me!”
“Perry, I hate to tell you this, but you are very, very wrong and you are talking crazy talk.” I tried to reason with him in vain.
“You can’t fool me. I’m onto all your scams. Even going back to that Orson Welles thing in 1938. Then there was that Jim Jones thing in Guyana in 1978. Then the space shuttle disaster thing that fooled the public into believing that the O-rings caused it. Well, none of these things fooled me for a moment! I knew all along what was really going on!”
Still trying to use logic and reason, I asked, “Well Perry, what was really going on?”
“Experiments designed by the best psychologists and media experts in the country to test the public’s credulity. That’s what! As if you didn’t know all along!”
“Perry, old man, you may be right, but this is the first I've heard about it. Believe me!” I put on my best mask of sincerity.
“Come on now. I know you’re on the inside and are playing footsie with all those psychologists and magicians from all over the country. Why you have managed to get even the media on your side. Every time they have a show where some poor but honest, uneducated slob gets on the tube and tells the truth about seeing ghosts or angels or extraterrestrial aliens or people bursting into flames spontaneously, the program always has one of you guys there to make a fool of him and sway the public not to believe these things really happen!”
“Do you really believe this my friend, or are you just pulling my leg?” I responded.
“Now don’t you try this ploy on me. I know what’s going on. This latest game of yours, where you all are trying to shift the public’s interest in alien abductions and UFOs to false memories of sexual abuse to see just how easy it is to manipulate them. Your attack on that poor Harvard professor who is trying to save us is not going to work either. I have been watching all of you very, very carefully, and I can tell you now that just because you are attracting more and more attention doesn't mean you will succeed. Sooner or later the public will catch on just like I did.”
Changing my tactics, I decided to go along. “Well,” I said, “What gave us away?”
“Oh it was almost obvious,” Perry sputtered. “I realized that you people went overboard. Methinks they protesteth too much! It was patent that Carl Sagan’s efforts in support of the U.S. Space Program were at base subversive and that he was secretly undermining it all along. That’s why SETI was canceled. And look at what Asimov did. Why, he fooled people into thinking he was dead! We both know that he is hiding out in Miami and writing propaganda for the secret service under an assumed name. And look at Paul Kurtz and his religious connections with the Soviet Union. Under the guise of humanistic atheism he has been building and strengthening the religious revolt behind the former Iron Curtain. Phil Klass’s secret efforts on behalf of the U.S. Air Force, the FBI, and the CIA to convince the public neither UFOs nor aliens exist has been wildly successful! Moreover, everyone knows all about Randi’s many, many trips to foreign climes and his success in undermining people’s belief in the facts of parapsychology and true magic which Randi knows better than anyone on Earth. And no one can ever deny that Joe Nickell’s efforts to demean and discredit the Shroud of our savior have been wildly successful, when Nickell himself knows it is Christ’s burial cloth! Then, if you look at the people in your organization’s front office: take this Barry Karr, who is obviously a KGB conspirator. His real name is probably Karr-ensky! Or something similar. And people with names like Doyle and Hays-obvious aliases for Doyavronsky and Haysanova.”
By now I was beginning to feel very anxious, and I guess it showed in my astonished expression because Noyeyuh then outdid himself.
“Now as for that other CIA tool of yours-the Weekly World News- it’s not working either!” Perry practically spit at me.
“It isn’t?” I asked incredulously.
“Of course not! We both know the aliens have already seized control and that you and yours now control the government and most corporations on earth. We also know that years ago you kidnapped Elvis and are holding him hostage. We also know that wealthy alien LBJ supporters had Kennedy shot, and that you aliens have already established bases on the Moon, Venus, and Mars. That’s how those WWII bombers and those faces and monuments got there. I know all about it, you see, because I am an alien too!”
With these terrible words he started ripping his clothes off, frothing at the mouth, and spilling his briefcase full of Prozac capsules all over the sidewalk. Fortunately, there were some of my alien friends nearby, so we managed to get him sedated and into one of our isolation wards before any harm was done. I really don’t think anyone else knows about either our mission or our true identity. I really don’t think anyone even suspects. I certainly hope not. But one never knows, does one?